Dawn's Dumb Wish
by keswindhover
Summary: Dawn makes a dumb wish - nakedness and shouting follows
1. Default Chapter

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Dawn's Dumb Wish

DISCLAIMER: These characters are not mine, but I haven't hurt any one (well, I made Spike bang his shins on a bucket, but that's it).

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RATING: PG-13 for swearing and nudity.  
**PAIRINGS**: Willow/Tara, Giles/Anya  
**SPOILERS**: Everything up to the end of season 6.   
**DISTRIBUTION**: Ask me first - but I'm going to say yes. 

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FEEDBACK: Yes, please - keswindhover@yahoo.co.uk  
**PROPS**: Regina Welch, who very kindly beta'd this story and helped make it way, way better by pointing out the missing jokes, drawing my attention sternly to roving POVs, and laying down the law on active/passive verbs.

Dumbsaint whose "Once More, All Naked, All Gay" is a) brilliant and b) got me thinking about nakedness and gayness. 

Mr Monkeybottoms, whose ridiculously addictive "Wacky Adventures of the Buffybot" were quite clearly on my mind.

All the authors of the enormous amounts of Buffy fanfic - good and bad - that I have been consuming recently, in a sick compulsive fashion.

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Chapter 1 Note: This chapter is mainly scene setting, but there's a great cliff-hanger, so read on!

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Chapter 1

Dawn slinked moodily down the street with her hands in her pockets. She felt guilty - and she hadn't even stolen anything recently. And she didn't _really_ see why she should be feeling guilty now. I mean, sure she was messing with the laws of God and nature, but hey, who didn't in Sunnydale? Look at Xander and Willow - wishes and spells all over the place and no-one gave a damn - and there was nothing else to do in this dump anyway.

She touched the pendant around her neck for reassurance. It was warm, just a little more than her own body temperature, and soothing somehow. It was obviously a _good _pendant, because Tara wouldn't have owned it otherwise. 

There was going to be major excitement when her wish came true, _and _she could go and get her belly button pierced tomorrow - most probably no-one would notice for days. Dawn rounded the corner and stepped into the Magic Box.

"Dawn!" Anya shouted. "Over here!"

Dawn slouched reluctantly across the room. "Yeah Anya? Is this urgent, because I'm kinda in a hurry."

"You're here to meet Buffy. She isn't here yet. You are therefore not in a hurry." Anya fixed her with an intense look. "Now, how was your day at school? Did you do well in any tests? Or attract the attention of a popular boy who plays team sports?"

Dawn heard a snicker from one of the customers behind her. She felt her ears burning as she leaned forward and hissed, "do not ask me dumb questions." This Anya as parental figure thing was not going at all well.

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Buffy strode down the sidewalk, a large glossy shopping bag banging on her hip - new shoes - she couldn't wait to show them to Anya. Now that the Watchers Council had come to its senses and started paying her at least a fraction of what she was worth she had money to burn.

She came to the Magic Box's new big plate glass window. There was Anya, and Dawn, with their heads together having a chat - she was pleased they were getting on so well. With Tara gone, and Giles and Willow in England, Anya had stepped up. She burst through the door setting the bell clanging madly. "Hi guys! I've bought new shoes. Want to see?" Anya and Dawn turned towards her. Dawn was pouting, Anya had her eyes narrowed.

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Anya watched sourly as Buffy placed her bag up on the counter, and rummaged through the tissue paper excitedly. "Here they are - what do you think of these puppies? They are so cool. Expensive of course," she paused to let that sink in, "but totally worth it. These gold strappy bits are...."

"So, Buffy," Anya butted in. "Have you heard from Giles?" 

Buffy paused. "Giles? Yeah, I've heard - he seems to be enjoying playing with his new phone." She pulled her cell phone out of her pocket. "He sent me a message this morning." She handed her phone across to Anya. The screen was filled with capital letters, "ALL WELL. WEATHER GOOD", centred and with a little hyphenated border around it, like some high tech lady's sewing sampler. 

Anya ground her teeth - why wasn't Giles sending _her_ personal messages? Instead, it was all Buffy, Buffy, Buffy. She and Giles had bonded, as he had lain there bleeding in the Magic Box. She had been a comfort to him, she knew it - but obviously he was now running scared. Well, Mr Commitment Phobe was gonna get a surprise very soon. Anya closed Buffy's phone with an ugly snap and slid it into her pocket.

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Anya cashed up at the Magic Box - she preferred to do this in private, especially the bit when she slid the lovely metally coins into their dinky little cash bags, mmm! Having a sulky teenager and a perky slayer hanging about the place just spoiled the mood for her. Her thoughts took on a brooding tone. Buffy obviously took Giles for granted - here he was sending her messages_ reeking of existential despair_ - and what was she doing? Nothing, that's what. She totally did not deserve him. Perhaps she, Anya, should send him an e-mail, or even phone him. She bit her lip indecisively. She could start off with the good news about the month's receipts, then move casually into so how's the whole dealing with a depressed witch who tried to destroy the world thing going? From there it would be natural to ask, and when do you think you'll be bringing her back, then finally, and when you get here would you like to go out for a, a... concert? That's it - Giles was bound to like classical concerts and stuff. He had a guitar that didn't plug into anything, that was a sure sign. Meanwhile Buffy could find herself another man, undead or alive, whatever. Anya hummed a few lines from the Brandenburg Concerto to herself as she pushed the cash drawer closed, good humour restored.

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Dawn rested against the counter with her arms folded. Anya had finally shut up as requested (although she was now humming like an idiot) but Buffy was still burbling on about shoes, and plans for the weekend, and maybe getting a new stake with a non-slip handle, or should she just buy some of that crisscross tape and upgrade Mr Pointy - what did Dawn think? Dawn thought that if Buffy would just shut up for five minutes, they could maybe leave this lame ass shop and get home before things started.

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But she was too late. Things had already started. There was a creak and a sigh, and a faint rattling throughout the shop as phials and totems trembled softly against each other. The air chilled until there was a cracking noise, and a whoosh and then blam! Tara stood in the middle of the shop, stark naked and looking very surprised.

Chapter 2 trailer: This is the chapter when I make Spike bang his shins on a bucket. Don't worry, he'll heal really quickly - because he's a vampire and all (no, I don't understand how that works either). Buffy has a chip on her shoulder about not finishing college. You get naked Tara - lucky people - and somebody else naked too. Read on to find out more!


	2. Chapter 2

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Chapter 2

The bell over the shop door jangled and Xander sauntered into the room, whistling. "Hey guys - did you hear that thunder? It's going to be a dark and stormy night - I'm thinking buckets of rain, sheets of lightning, maybe scary blackouts.... What's going on?" Xander turned his head, and suddenly his mouth opened as wide as a guppy going for a really big flake of fish food. "Merciful Zeus! It's a naked woman! Wow. Wait, I know her..... it's Tara. It's Tara and she's naked. And still with the naked." 

Everyone started talking all at once. Tara looked down at herself and blushed bright red, _all_ the way down. Buffy pulled herself together first and stepped forward, slipping out of her new stylish leather coat (all the others in her closet were so _yesterday_) and offering it to the blushing witch. Unfortunately it was too tiny for Tara to pull on, so she just clutched it self consciously to her chest. Anya was a little more practical. She went to the closet and pulled out her tan belted mackintosh. Tara accepted it gratefully, and turned away from the four bemused onlookers. This gave them all a delightful back view to complement the front view they'd already enjoyed, but sadly it didn't last, and when she turned round she was firmly belted into the mackintosh.

"Gah." Xander said. "Gah, what, how, what?" 

Buffy reached over to Tara, who was staring nervously about her, and patted her reassuringly on the arm. "And just as importantly, Xander, who, and why?" She turned a gimlet gaze on Dawn, who blushed again. Buffy was still giving her the look, so Dawn threw herself into Tara's arms and buried her face in her neck. 

"Tara, I'm so glad you're back, I've missed you sooo much. It's great that you're back, _isn't it!_" she turned and hissed meaningfully at her companions. There was some coughing and shuffling.

"Oh sure," said Xander. "It's great, really great. We've totally missed you. And Willow is going to be ju..." He trailed off, having just realised how complicated it was going to be trying to explain what Willow had been up to since Tara... left.

"Um, hi, Tara said hesitantly, "do you think someone could tell me what's going on here? I mean, in the first place, who the hell are you? And.... in the second place, who the hell am I?" She paused, then said determinedly "And I would also like to know why I have no clothes on. Had no clothes on." she amended, looking down at the mackintosh - it was a little snug across the chest, but it was at least decent. 

"Um," Anya said tentatively, "what _do_ you remember, Tara?" There was a silence. Tara looked from face to face, noting that the little blonde had an big eyed expression that could have meant anything, the bad flat perm girl looked concerned, the boy still had his mouth open, while the teenage girl looked one part sulky to two parts smug. None of them looked really frightened, or hostile, though, which was reassuring. She relaxed just a tiny notch...

A violent crash sounded from inside the store cupboard, and another crash, then a scream of pain and a string of swearing. "Bloody, buggering, sodding, fucking hell!" "Bastard, fucking bucket! Bastard!" There was a sharp cracking sound, and Spike burst through the door of the cupboard with a mop in his hand, spraying splinters before him. Anya's lips thinned ominously - doors cost money.

Spike paused, and blinked. "You lot, I should have known!" Pointing a shaky accusing finger at Buffy, he lurched forward, shins bleeding heavily. "You bitch, this is your doing isn't it?"

Buffy snorted angrily. "What the hell are _you_ doing here? You are so not welcome. Get out, now! She pointed dramatically at the door.

"Hey, said Spike angrily, I didn't choose to come here. I was in my crypt, feet up, soccer on the telly, and then blam, I'm standing in the dark with this mop in my face," he brandished it, "and my foot in a bucket..."

"Were you watching tv naked? said Anya, "because you're naked now." 

"What?" Spike looked down at himself, and then up at his audience. "Oh well, this is just great isn't it? Come and have a look at Spike, the big nancy vampire with a soul, and no pants on. Very bloody amusing isn't it? Well, carry on looking. I've got nothing to be shy about." He spread-eagled his arms and stepped forward aggressively.

"Ooooh!" Dawn couldn't help it. She was blushing again (_stupid, stupid adolescence)_ but this was way better than the naked guys on cable. Spike looked over at her, startled, and a two pink spots appeared high on his sculptured cheekbones. He brought his hands together over his crotch and dodged behind the counter in one uncannily swift vampiric leap.

"What the bloody hell is going on?"

Anya fished busily in the closet, finally digging out a pair of Giles' old sweatpants. She stepped over to hand them to Spike, and to get herself a good eyeful. Hm, she thought, he really looked pretty good stripped right down. It was a pity he hadn't bothered to take his duster off that time... she looked up and gave a gasp of dismay. Buffy had Dawn backed against a large glass display case and was jabbing her annoyingly taller-than-her sister in the chest. Anya threw the sweatpants at Spike, hitting him in the face, and rushed over - didn't Buffy realise how fragile those cases were?

"Just what exactly did you do? Buffy asked Dawn angrily, and how?" 

"I, I used Tara's pendant to make a wish. It said I should! And it belonged to Tara, so it can't have been bad magic! I just wanted her back." Dawn pulled the pendant out from beneath her shirt and held it out against her palm.

"You have a pendant that's been talking to you?" Buffy exclaimed. She rapped her knuckles sharply on Dawn's skull. "Didn't you think it might be DANGEROUS, knucklehead!" 

"It has not been talking to me - God, Buffy you are so dense sometimes. It had writing on it - in Latin - so I ran it through Babelfish, and it said _make a good wish, and no harm will come_. So I did. And I was really careful, I put limits on the wish and everything..." Buffy looked over at Tara, who had retreated nervously to the side of the room, and was standing with her back against the wall. She looked back at Dawn. "Give me that - and less of the profanity," she added belatedly. She tugged the pendant roughly over Dawn's head and walked over to Tara, holding it out in front of her.

"Um, Tara, I know you're having a little trouble in the memory department at the moment. It's perfectly natural, considering... all that's happened. But I was just hoping you might recognise this?" Buffy placed the pendant in Tara's hand. Anya, Xander, and Dawn had crossed the room with her, and they gathered around hopefully. Tara pressed her back more firmly against the wall, then turned the pendant over to quickly read the inscription. 

"No, I don't remember it." She handed it back to Buffy, and everyone sighed disappointedly, and moved away. "But I can read Latin." They all turned back, and she jumped a little. "It does not say _make a good wish, and no harm will come. _It says _make not this wish good, that no harm may come - _which is, of course, completely different."

Buffy looked at Xander. How was it completely different? He looked back and shrugged. Dawn looked resentfully at Tara. "Well, it doesn't seem that different to me. And Babelfish said..."

Anya looked back and forth at them all, exasperated. "Dithering deities, of course it's different. It's enormously different. I could flay a man, line his skin with the difference, and make a good winter coat out of it. It's that different." 

"Just how is it different?" said Buffy carefully, "it sounds kinda similar." 

Anya snorted. "To a moron, maybe." 

Buffy narrowed her eyes. "Hey, keep the moron comments to yourself scary face demon girl. I _will_ be finishing college sometime, you know. I have brains. I've just been kinda preoccupied, what with the slaying and the dying," her voice rose, "and the _saving the world_!"

Xander coughed diffidently. "Well, actually, this time. If you want to be strictly accurate about it - and you know, we don't _have_ to. But still, I think you'll find that _I_ actually saved the world. I'm kinda proud of that in fact." 

Spike popped up from behind the counter, where he had been lounging and brooding soulfully. "Ice cream boy saved the world? Oh, come on, you've got to be joshing me."

Dawn looked round. "No, he really, actually did. Willow went all dark magic and veiny and raised a satanic temple or something. Anyway, she was going to destroy the world, and Xander stopped her...." 

"Can we _please_ get back to the spell?" said Anya tetchily, but Spike was laughing, 

"Monkey boy saved the world, from _Willow!? _Christ, that's good." He narrowed his eyes, and drew himself up dramatically, "Willow Rosenburg, Destroyer of Worlds! Ooh, that's scary!"

"D-did someone say Willow?" It was a familiar voice. They all turned as one. A redhead with a dazed expression was peering around the door to the training room. 

"Willow!" Buffy rushed to the door. You're here, in Sunnydale!"

"Well, yeah, so it seems." Willow grasped the door more tightly. "I also appear to be naked - and so is Giles." 

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Chapter 3 trailer: More nudity - and I mention Giles' nipples - sorry. Willow kisses Tara - I think it's kind of sweet, but Tara may feel otherwise. Anya is turning into a stalker.


	3. Chapter 3

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Chapter 3

"Oh, don't worry about it," said Anya offhandedly, "everyone's showing up naked today. Wait, did you say Giles? Here's here? And he's naked?" She surged forward trying to pull the door open. Willow clung on firmly.

"I really would appreciate something to wear before you all pile in here." Buffy snatched up her leather coat again from the counter and handed it to Willow. The door closed, then reopened. Willow stepped through and drew the door to behind her, looking very 60s in her leather mini dress.

"Well hello, Mrs Peel!" Spike leered at her from across the counter. 

Willow looked down at herself doubtfully, "I really don't think this is my look".

"Pity," said Spike. "It's miles better than your usual godawful fuggly look."

Willow cast him an unfriendly glance. "You're back then, I see. Um, we need to look after Giles - he hasn't really come round yet." Four hands reached towards the doorknob. "Hey guys, I don't think Giles would want you all to see him naked. Maybe Xander should..." Anya brushed Willow aside and piled through the door. Giles lay on his back, spread-eagled like a man sunbathing on a beach - a nudist beach that is.

Hey look," Anya said excitedly, "Giles has a hairy chest! I like a hairy chest on a man." She looked scornfully back at Xander, who tugged at his shirt self-consciously, and at Spike who flexed his pecs in unconscious defiance. "And, he's uncir...." She looked around at the sea of faces at the door. "Hey! Out of here! All of you - you should be ashamed of yourselves. Out!" The Scoobies sheepishly allowed themselves to be pushed out of the door, which Anya shut with an emphatic bang.

There was a pause. "Um, how come Anya has shut herself_ inside_ the room?" asked Xander. They looked at one another. Xander threw the door open again. Anya was stooped over Giles' unconscious body. She straightened up sharply, "I said you should leave him alone." 

"Yeah Anya, and what are you doing exactly?" said Buffy sarcastically. 

"Yeah Anya," Dawn chimed in, "I don't see you covering him up anytime soon." Buffy turned round to Dawn, reminded of her presence. 

"Now, you should definitely not be looking." 

Xander stepped forward, unbuttoning his shocking pink and green tartan shirt, which he laid discreetly across Giles' middle.

Giles sat up with a groan. "What happened? Who, or indeed what, hit me? Oh Lord, my poor head." He focused gradually on his surroundings, and the sea of familiar faces regarding him. He sighed and pulled himself up a little more, "Well of course I should have expected that I'd be in Sunnydale somehow, since I have apparently suffered yet another head wound. Silly me."

"Well yes," said Buffy teasingly, "but you have to admit something is new - you don't usually lose your clothes as well." Giles looked down at the searing pink and acid green check of the shirt covering his middle. "Now, that _must _be Xander's," he said musingly. He paused, "Oh God, just when he did put it there?" Anya was thrilled to see that Giles blushed right down to his nipples. Ooh, embarrassing fair skinned people when they were naked was so much fun!

There was a sudden scream from the shop of, "Tara!" Buffy looked round. Willow had obviously tired of standing by the door, and had ventured into the main body of the shop. Buffy raced back out of the door, closely followed by Dawn and Xander.

"Oh that's all right," said Giles bitterly, "I'm absolutely fine. No need to worry about me. I'll just wait here a few moments until the world stops spinning and the chap in my head using the jackhammer decides to go for his lunch break..."

"_I'm _still here, Rupert," said Anya, and she bent down to look meaningfully into his eyes.

Meanwhile the rest of the scoobies skidded to a halt in the middle of the shop floor. Willow had thrown herself into Tara's arms and was sobbing into her shoulder. "Tara, Tara, you're here, you're back, you smell wonderful! You look wonderful! Oh, this is perfect. Everything in the world is perfect." Willow grabbed Tara firmly by the lapels of her mackintosh and smothered her face in kisses. "I've missed you so much, when you died I just went crazy. In fact," Willow paused, and looked briefly embarrassed, "in fact we'll have to talk about that - unless you were looking down from heaven and saw everything, and you've forgiven me?" she asked hopefully.

Tara pulled away and sat abruptly in a nearby chair, feeling very flustered. Willow followed her and latched on again. Tara pressed herself back into her chair as far as she could go. The skinny redheaded lunatic was sitting in her lap - and that leather coat was _very_ short - it was really very difficult _not_ to look.. and what was with the kissing, and the stuff about heaven? The poor girl was obviously delusional - ok and now her hand really should _not _be there. She took hold of Willow's hand firmly, and it immediately turned in her grip so that their fingers interlaced. Tara softened slightly, that felt almost familiar somehow...

"Um, Willow?" Buffy said delicately, "Tara's having a little trouble remembering stuff just at the moment. I'm thinking it might be something to do with, you know, her having been dead." 

Tara tensed up again. That was the second time someone had said that she'd been dead. Well, she thought, obviously that was nonsense, but they all seemed to be living in the same fantasy world. She felt a quiver of unease. Perhaps she wasn't this person called Tara, if Tara had died. Maybe she just looked like her, and these guys were getting confused... yeah, right, her inner self said sarcastically, you had an identical twin called Tara - that's probably how it was. Two identical twins called Tara, and... Sara. That sounded dumb enough - Tara and Sara, separated at birth, brought back together by tragedy. 

A derisive snort passed Tara's lips, and Willow squirmed a little in her lap as she tried to see Tara's expression... 

"Right then, just what the bloody hell is going on here?" Giles strode out into the shop, Anya a pace behind him. He wore Xander's shocking plaid shirt around his middle, tied to form a rather rakish kilt. 

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Chapter 4 trailer: Giles takes charge and discovers a) that Dawn has been stupid (duh!) and b) that Tara is alive and well. You get to admire Willow and Tara's legs. Buffy discovers Anya's secret passion. Oh, and there's a lot of shouting.


	4. Chapter 4

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Chapter 4

"That's what I said five minutes ago - but nobody listened, as per bloody usual." Spike leapt down from the shop counter, where he had been listlessly flicking through Anya's _Good Shopkeeping _magazine. He reached into the pocket of Giles' sweatpants for his cigarettes, and coming up empty, he scowled at everyone.

"Well," said Giles, "obviously there is a spell at work here. Now we need to find out just exactly who has ensorcelled us, and to what end. I suggest..." 

"We already know all that," said Xander impatiently, "Dawn ensorc... did the spell because she wanted Tara back."

"Tara is dead," said Giles sternly, "and she will remain so. We cannot palter with the forces of God and nature." 

"I told you, knucklehead," said Buffy.

"Well she's here, isn't she?" said Dawn sulkily. 

"What?!" shouted Giles, for once lost for words.

Xander moved aside and allowed Giles an unobstructed view of Tara, who was now standing behind the table (because the guy in the kilt was just scary...), looking very stylish in Anya's belted tan mackintosh, holding hands rather absentmindedly with Willow, and looking alternately embarrassed and apprehensive.

"But this is terrible! This is insane! - Er, hello Tara, so nice to see you again." Tara gave an uncertain little wave - it was best to humour him, she felt. And at least he hadn't painted himself blue or anything, that was encouraging.

Giles turned back to Dawn, "However, this, this twisting of nature is bound, _bound _to have extremely serious consequences. Have you forgotten what happened here only two months ago? You fatheaded little idiot!"

"Well, I said knucklehead" remarked Buffy, "but fathead is good too." 

Dawn's ears were burning again, and her cheeks, "You are all so mean. And anyway, it worked, and nothing terrible has happened, except for some people getting naked and teleported and stuff. Personally, I don't see why you're all getting so worked up."

Anya scooped the pendant up from the table top and handed it to Giles. "She," she pointed accusingly at Dawn, "found this in Tara's stuff, and she made a wish on it. It has an inscription, in Latin."

Giles took the pendant. "Let's see what it says..." he looked up, "bugger, my glasses are still in England."

"Wait a minute," said Buffy staring at the pendant worriedly and then around the shop at the various disgruntled people there, "this isn't one of those spells where we all get herded into one place and then we can't get out again, is it? Because I really, really hated that." She rushed to the door of the Magic Box and wrenched it open violently. The door crashed to the floor, torn completely off its hinges, as the bell jingled madly above it. Buffy stepped over it and out into the evening gloom, then stepped back in and propped the door more or less into place. "Oops."

"Oh my God!" shouted Anya, "what is it with you anyway? Can't you stay in a place for five minutes with starting to smash it down? You are sick in the head, Buffy. I don't like to have to say this, but you are -"

"And you go veiny the second anyone says 'I wish' anywhere near you - how sane and balanced is that?" Buffy shouted back.

Anya's face flushed purple. "There it goes!" shouted Buffy.

Anya swallowed, then spoke through clenched teeth. "this is not my demonic visage, you ignorant little _college dropout! _You are merely very aggravating, and it is affecting my blood pressure. God only knows how Giles has managed to put up with you all these years without developing hypertension - poor love."

"When did this conversation suddenly become about Giles? I didn't even mention Giles!" said Buffy. She paused. "Oh, oh.... I think _someone's got a crush on someone!"_

"Shut up!" screamed Anya.

"Ladies, please," Giles said wearily, "let's just all calm down, perhaps have a cup of tea," Buffy shuddered, "...and talk this over quietly and logically."

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Chapter 5 trailer : Spike sensitive readers will notice that I have given them Spike with no shirt on for three solid chapters now (sorry about the sweatpants). Well - there's more of the same in this chapter. Readers who don't want to see Spike with no shirt on should avert their gaze - oh, you've just spotted Giles with no shirt on? Sorry again. Anyway, this chapter is about Dawn's wish, and tea, and nakedness, and a very interesting discussion about who is or is not a Scooby. At the end there is an important revelation.

Coming Soon!


	5. Chapter 5

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Chapter 5

An eerie calm had settled over the Magic Box.... Anya had made tea because Giles liked it, because he was English - and there must some truth to that stereotype because Spike had accepted a mug too. Xander was drinking it as well, but then, he'd drink anything, she thought scornfully - the big lunk. Buffy and Dawn had refused, and Dawn was apparently reading something personal into the fact that there was no orange juice in the shop, and was slumped in a chair kicking the table leg in an annoying manner. 

Willow had asked for herbal, but settled sheepishly for English Breakfast like the rest of them once Anya had glared at her. She sat anxiously beside Tara, who had accepted a mug as well but was now staring rather doubtfully into it, wondering if there were any hallucinogens swimming in there... it would explain a lot.

Giles took a cautious sip, and winced. For God's sake, what was complicated about pouring boiling (boiling mind you, not tepid) water over a handful of teabags in a teapot? A chimpanzee could do it. And Anya was smiling that big crocodile smile at him again, it was really rather frightening... could she really have feelings for him, as Buffy suggested? He pulled himself together.

"Right then, now everyone's a little calmer. Let's try and establish just exactly what Dawn wished for, and what we're likely to get instead. Dawn?"

Dawn stopped kicking the table leg and folded her arms again defensively. "All I wished was for all of us to be back together again, like we were before, before that asshole started putting holes in everything."

"Language, Dawn," said Buffy automatically - she was getting the hang of this parenting thing, slowly.

Dawn shot her an annoyed look. "So, when I found Tara's pendant - which I so did not steal - and I found out what it said on it..."

Hey the kid's been stealing my stuff, thought Tara indignantly.

"... I realised that I could make a _safe_ wish," Giles opened his mouth to interrupt but Dawn plunged on, "and Tara had explained to me about limiting wishes - because if they're vague in any way at all, you get unexpected consequences..." 

"That bastard lurky demon!" Spike snorted violently.

"...so I was very specific. I wished that all the Scoobies could be together again, just as we were that morning, when Willow and Tara were doing the bedroom thing, and before Warren showed up, but that nothing else should change."

Tara looked across at Willow, alarmed. She and Willow had been doing the bedroom thing? What bedroom thing exactly? A dreamy reminiscent smile tugged at Willow's lips, and she moved a little closer to rub one nearly bare thigh up against Tara. Tara shied nervously.

"Did you wish that everyone would come back naked? asked Anya, interestedly. "Because if not that was at least one unexpected consequence. Well, actually not everyone was naked. I wasn't naked," she pouted momentarily, feeling left out, "and Xander wasn't naked, and _you_ weren't naked. "

"I did not ask for anyone to come back naked!" Dawn shouted, blushing to the tips of her hair as she recalled naked Spike bursting out of the store cupboard. She looked across at him involuntarily, and blushed again.

Buffy looked across at him as well. "Yeah, and that's another thing. Why did the spell catch Spike? "No way is he a Scooby."

Giles sighed, "Apparently Spike _is_ a Scooby - hard though it is to believe."

Spike was speechless for a moment. "I am not. No way am I a Scooby. It's bollocks, is that. I have happy daydreams _all the time _of slicing you lot into tiny pieces." 

"I think it's more a matter of how Dawn regarded you, on the morning that her wish referred to. She included you in her definition of the Scooby gang at that moment, so here you are. Now, lets establish exactly what the pendant says - I can't read it without my glasses - so, Willow?"

Willow straightened up self consciously. She had been trying to hold Tara's hand again, but Tara had hunched herself defensively into the mackintosh, with her hands pushed into the pockets, her knees pressed firmly together and her long legs crossed at the ankles. Willow tore her gaze away from Tara's legs and turned to Giles. 

"It says _make not this wish good, that no harm may come."_

"Hey, said Xander, proving more observant than anyone could reasonably have expected, "you didn't read that."

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"Well actually," said Willow bashfully, "I wrote it".

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Chapter 6 trailer: This is all about the spell, with a shock for Giles to keep you interested. Oh, and some people really should have remembered about wishes and Anyanka....


	6. Chapter 6

"You wrote it?!" said Buffy, Xander, and Giles all together.

"Why did you write it in Latin?" cried Dawn indignantly. "It took me forever to translate." She shuddered, "I had to go and look at _academic websites,_ before I thought of Babelfish - urgh!"

"And then you got it wrong," said Tara softly. 

"Yeah, perhaps I'm being stupid," said Buffy - she shot a hostile glance at Anya, "since I didn't manage to finish college and all. But wouldn't it have been better to write_ danger do not touch, there is a dangerous spell locked in here, so on no account make a wish on this baby_, or something on those lines?"

"That wouldn't have fit on the pendant," said Xander, "look, it's only an inch across."

Spike clipped him smartly round the ear. 

"Ow, what was that for?"

"For being so bloody stupid, and for stating the bloody obvious." Spike looked round. "Oh come on; every one of you wanted to do the same thing!"

Giles sighed; his headache was coming back again. He pressed his finger between his eyebrows and closed his eyes - and screamed as he felt a pair of hands close on his neck.....

"Sorry," said Anya, "I just thought you seemed a little tense, and a massage might help."

Giles pressed his hand to his chest for a moment. His heart was leaping around like a stranded fish. Everyone was frozen in place. Buffy had Mr Pointy half way out of her handbag, Xander was clutching the front of his t-shirt with a nervous hand, while Willow, Tara and Dawn gazed wide eyed. Spike meanwhile was smirking at him most unpleasantly.

"Yes, well that was very ... thoughtful of you Anya. But perhaps a little warning another time, yes?"

Anya glowed; there was going to be another time, she was making progress!

Giles coughed self consciously and turned back to Willow. "Well now, since you wrote the inscription perhaps you can explain what it means?"

Willow looked around nervously, and picked at her already ragged cuticles - she just knew that this whole scene was going to wreak havoc with her therapy program. 

"The pendant is a focus stone that belonged to Amy's mom. She was working up a spell when I guess she got distracted by the whole kill Buffy thing, and then she, you know, disappeared. So there was a kinda "work in progress" spell roiling around in there." Willow paused briefly. 

"Amy told me about it." She shifted uncomfortably, then rushed on, "We thought we might find a use for it, but we didn't know exactly what it was for - although it had to be something pretty major - so," she said virtuously, "I put it away somewhere safe, with the inscription on it as a warning..."

"...And then," said Xander, "you turned into crack-magic girl, and Tara confiscated it together with all your other magic stash..." 

"...and _then _dumb Dawn came along and made a wish on it, and the spell released." said Anya, "only we don't know exactly what it's done." 

"It brought back Tara, said Dawn sulkily, "just like I asked for."

"Well, that's one thing it's done, said Anya, "and of course everyone teleporting into the Magic Box, and all the nakedness, that's just typical of the kind of thing that happens when _dummies," _Anya looked pointedly at Dawn, _"_make magical wishes". 

"I am not dumb," shouted Dawn.

"Yes well." Giles looked disapprovingly at Willow. "It's a pity you didn't think to take the pendant to Devon with us - no doubt the ladies there could have helped, while they were addressing your 'problem' - still, you _were_ rather preoccupied at the time."

Willow looked shifty.

Tara sighed. Cute though she was, Willow did seem to have a lot of compulsive personality disorders. Tara wondered which of Willow's 'problems' it was they'd been addressing in Devon - the erotomania, the addictive behaviour or the delusions? She looked down and saw that Willow's hand had sneaked back onto her thigh. It sounds like I've been having a lot of trouble with my girlfriend, she mused thoughtfully. I wonder if she's worth it? 

"Well, I hate to think what the spell might have been for." Giles went on. "Mrs Madison was a very foolish woman. I know she was unhappy, but why she thought the solution was body swapping with her teenage daughter, so she could wave a few poms poms in the air, I really can't imagine."

"Cheerleading is about a lot more than waving pom poms in the air," said Buffy stiffly, her hardly worn Sunnydale High cheerleader's sweater hovering wistfully in her mind's eye.

"Still hankering after your glory days, eh love?" said Spike. "It all fell off a bit in senior year, didn't it? And now you're a college dropout too. Not turning into another Mrs Madison I hope?" He put on a bad falsetto, "I wish I had been homecoming queen..."

"And I wish you'd go to hell," shouted Buffy. She stopped abruptly, "Oh, no." Everyone looked in fascinated trepidation at Anya.

"I didn't mean it!" cried Buffy, "I wasn't thinking!"

"I _certainly_ didn't mean it!" cried Spike, "Please don't make me a queen! Or send me to hell," he added as an afterthought.

"Too late now," said Anya. She turned towards Spike and raised her hand... 

__

Chapter 7 trailer: What happened to Spike? Did he have to put a shirt on? Read on to find out. Also, find out more about the effects of the spell, and Anya has a nasty shock - do you think she took it well? This is the last chapter, so I tie things up, more or less.


	7. Chapter 7

****

Chapter 7

And absolutely nothing happened.

Anya's eyes bulged, as she tried to make sense of it all. She stared at the hand in front of her, which was staying resolutely un-veiny. She felt her forehead, and her chest, and then her eyes unfocused as she looked inward.

Spike unfroze from the defensive crouch he had taken as Anya spoke and patted his head experimentally - no, no crown. "Is that it then?" he said cockily. He paused, "Wait, maybe this _is_ hell, being transported into the Magic Box with you lot."

"Well _really_, Buffy" said Dawn smugly, "How many times have you said to me - Dawn, you've said, whatever you do, do not start a sentence with "I wish" anywhere within a mile of Anya. And I'm like, ok, whatever, and you're like, this is totally serious Dawn, you must remember..."

"Oh shut up, Dawn." said Buffy, staring moodily at her boots. 

Anya had completed her inner examination. "Oh my God," she cried, "I'm human again! Well, that's just great!" She ground her teeth viciously together and glared around the room.

"I think we just found out what else the spell has done," said Xander brightly.

"And just when did I wish for a mortal soul? said Anya furiously, "I don't want a mortal soul!" 

"Tell me about it!" said Spike.

Anya paused and turned threateningly to Dawn. "Unless _you_..."

"I didn't even mention you!" Dawn shouted.

Anya paced up and down. "Do you realise I've now acquired a mortal soul_ twice_ by accident? This should have been_ my_ decision - you know, an epiphany or something! Buffy's had epiphanies coming out of her ears - and what do I get? Naked people teleporting in to my shop, _two_ broken doors.... and a mortal soul as a side effect of two frankly ridiculous wishes from a dumb fifteen year old girl and a emotionally retarded witch."

"I am _not_ dumb," screamed Dawn.

"Dumb, dumb, dumb," said Anya viciously.

Dawn started to cry.

Giles suddenly smote his forehead dramatically, and reached up to whip off his glasses. He stared at his empty hand in momentary puzzlement - ah yes glasses, England..... 

"I think Mrs Madison was more ambitious than we realised, I think she was planning an ascension of some kind..."

Giles stood in front of Tara, and looked her up and down. His eyes were gleaming like an entomologist who had just found a new, particularly fascinating type of beetle. Tara shifted self consciously and looked at her bare feet. Willow's hand touched hers, and she gripped it tight for reassurance.

"I rather fancy Tara is now a divine being."

Anya's nostrils swelled with rage. "A divine being?" she shouted, "_A divine being_? Now Tara is a divine being and I'm a mortal? Well that's just typical isn't it!"

"Tara has always been divine," said Willow slyly. Tara looked across at her and a smile tugged at her lips. Worth it, she thought... probably, she added.

Anya marched agitatedly up and down the room. "There's a bunch of gods up there somewhere," she said savagely, "who are toying with me - human, demon, human, demon, human! Hey, watch Anyanka twist in the wind, let's see her deal with this little development - ha ha. They're probably wetting themselves laughing right now. Bastards!" 

She came to a standstill, breathing heavily, and Giles turned reluctantly away from his examination of Tara and patted her tentatively on the back.

"Um, I know this must have been a shock for you Anya," he said a little absently, "but still, glass half full, glass half empty, that sort of thing..." He turned back to smile at Tara. "I think we need to get you to Devon, and just see if you're mortal or not," he said musingly. "Now," he drummed his fingers on the table, "just what are we going to do about passports, I wonder?"

...........................

Dawn stood pouting, still feeling a little bit sniffly, and looked around her - no one was paying her any attention, _as usual._

Xander had gone to bring his car round. Buffy and Spike were huddled at one end of the room, arguing. Giles, with Anya hovering jealously over his shoulder, was in the middle of a rather agitated phone call. Willow was flicking eagerly through a reference book, no doubt for some hints on how to test for divinity. Tara wasn't in sight. 

She looked at the pendant still lying on the table and with a shifty glance around her, she scooped it up and started to slip it into her pocket. A hand gripped her arm firmly, and she looked up into Tara's cool blue eyes.

"I don't think that's yours, dummy." said Tara. She took the pendant and moved away. 

"_Well, _thought Dawn indignantly, why _did _I bother?" She turned... A semi nude woman was standing in front of her. She wore a Sunnydale High cheerleader's sweater and a homecoming queen's crown, around which little bolts of lightning zipped and snakes writhed.

Catherine Madison looked at Dawn out of black, black eyes. "Now, just where the hell am I?" she said, "And who the hell are you?" 

Dawn screamed a piercing reedy scream. "Buffy!" she screeched, "help!!!" 

****

The End


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